Bokura no Secret (Our Secret) — Part 1

A soft knock made Shoon look up from the book he was reading, sitting on his bed. The door opened a crack and his mother poked her head in.

“Mayo, are you still up? It’s late, dear. Shouldn’t you turn off the light and get some sleep? You have classes tomorrow”.

Shoon cast a look at his bedside clock. It was well past midnight.

“I hadn’t realized it was so late”.

His mother walked into the room wrapped in her dressing gown and approached the bed.

“You always lose track of time when you have a book in your hands”, she said combing his hair fondly with her fingers. “Sleep well, son”.

He was no longer a child, but he still enjoyed those affectionate gestures his mother had with him and his younger brother.

“You too, mum”.

When his mother left, closing the door behind her, Shoon closed the book, stared at the photograph on the cover —a picture of Rome’s coliseum—, and leant back on the wall with a sigh.

He’d wanted to go to Italy last summer, but he’d been too busy with his studies and his work commitments as a Johnny.

Also, being the responsible son he was he’d insisted to his parents upon entering university last year that he wanted to pay for his fees, and the money he was having to spend on textbooks and public transport was leaving him without a yen.

His love for books and music didn’t help much either. He really could have done without yet another book on ancient Rome, but he’d been unable to resist the temptation to buy it when he’d passed that bookshop on his way back home and had seen it on the shopwindow.

He was obsessed with ancient history, which was the reason why he’d chosen to study Archaeology. With his grades he could have gone for Mathematics, Law, or even a Business Degree, but he wasn’t interested in any of those things.

His father said he was too much of a romantic, and that he’d seen too many movies of the likes of The Mummy and the Indiana Jones saga, but neither he nor his mother had made any objections to his choice.

He took off his glasses and laid them on the bedside table on top of the book.

God, he wanted so badly to go to Europe... He’d been abroad with his JE peers: Hawaii, Thailand... but he was dying to go to old Europe.

Starting from tomorrow he was going to save every single yen he could, he decided firmly. And, once again, as every so often, he found himself imagining all the places he’d visit, the streets he’d walk... he even knew whom he’d like to take along with him, whom he’d like to share that long-dreamed-of journey with... only that was never going to happen.

He let himself fall onto the bed and lay there in thought, gazing at a photograph from last year that hung on the opposite wall.

It had been taken on the day of his birthday, at the NHK hall, during one of the breaks from the rehearsal of a Shokura episode. Some of the guys had prepared a surprise for him, and a lights technician had immortalized the moment with the digital camera Hikaru was so proud of.

The photograph was really good, he had to admit, and many of his favourite people were in it: Inoo, Massu, Tôshin-kun, Taiyô... but that certain someone had his arm around his shoulders and he had that ridiculously bright smile on his face, just like everytime he did that. In fact everytime that happened he lit up like a Christmas tree. Could he be any more obvious? Sometimes it felt to him like everybody knew.

Shoon let out a frustrated groan and buried his face under his pillow. He lifted it an inch and peeked at the photograph hoping the stupid smile had disappeared, but it was still plastered on his face. And yet... the memory of that arm around his shoulders made him feel all warm and squishy inside. It made him wish that... Oh, boy, he had it bad.

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The April morning air was a bit chilly, but it felt good. Shoon lifted his face and closed his eyes, enjoying the soft warmth of the sun.

When opened them again he spotted a free bench on the platform and thought he might as well take a sit since he’d still have to wait ten minutes for his train to come.

So he sat down, plugged his earphones into his ears and turned on his mp3 player.

Something he’d totally forgotten about came on through the earphones. He should have deleted that from the player’s memory but he hadn’t, so it was still there: a clip of Yabu laughing and chattering away. Yabu had been talking to Taiyô on the corridor outside the studio before they started taping the show for that Sunday and he’d been close by at that moment, going through the show’s script. He must have set off the recording function of the player by accident, and that must have been how that had gotten there.

What Yabu said on the clip wasn’t even interesting —he’d just been kidding with Taiyô, in fact. However last night, when he’d gotten into bed, he’d decided to listen to some music to get himself to sleep and that was when he’d discovered it. He’d listened to it a few times —alright, quite a few times— before deciding to stop the player when he noticed he’d practically learned it by heart: every word, every rise and fall in his intonation, every pause... God, he loved so much his voice and that gentle, merry laughter of his...

He’d turned off the light and listened to it again and again in the dark, imagining Yabu was there talking to him, laughing with him...

He was so lost in his thoughts that he didn’t notice somebody coming from behind. When they grabbed him by the shoulders he gave a jolt and turned around... to find himself staring into Yabu’s eyes. His heart stopped for a second and then started beating at a dead run.

“I said “morning””, Yabu greeted him taking off one of his earphones and laughing softly.

“H-hi”, was all Shoon could manage while Yabu rounded the bench to stand in front of him. “Gosh, you scared me”, he muttered after he’d swallowed and hurriedly turned off the player.

Yabu chuckled.

“Sorry, but I couldn’t resist the urge”.

Shoon humphed and put the player into the inside pocket of his coat.

“What are you doing here so early? I thought your classes didn’t start until nine”.

Yabu attended the same university as him, only he was taking a degree course in Economics. He was not a very diligent student, but he was smart and and had a quick mind Shoon envied.

His faculty was a few minutes away from Shoon’s, but they rarely ever saw each other on the Campus.

“And they don’t start until nine, but I’m meeting with some classmates to discuss a group workshop we have to do for next Monday”, Yabu explained. “However, I could ask you the same. I was beginning to wonder how could it be that we never meet on the train when we both take it on this station”, he added.

Touché. Shoon had started taking the train an hour earlier so that he’d not coincide with Yabu, but of course he was not going to tell him that.

“I go earlier to make a neat copy of my class notes in the library”.

At least it was not a lie. He could do that at home, but it served him as an excuse.

Yabu gave him a half smile.

“I wish I were as organized as you are”.

Meaning “you are a real order maniac, Yamashita”, Shoon thought. That was probably how he saw him: a bookish weirdo obsessed with order. That was the way most people saw him.

The problem was that he didn’t care what people thought, but he did care what Yabu thought.

“Well, it’s more of a habit, actually”, he said shrugging, “like brushing your teeth every night. Once you start doing it, you feel like something’s missing when you don’t”.

Yabu smiled again.

“Yeah, I guess. I supp’se I’m just lazy”, he said stuffing his hands into the pockets of his trousers and looking absently around.

Shoon wished he’d sit. Having him standing in front of him it was too much of a temptation not to look at him. If he sat at least he’d have to turn his head around to do so, and since he wouldn’t want Yabu to think he was ogling at him he’d be able to restrain himself.

However, being the restless person he was, Yabu stayed were he was. For him it was hard to be still for more than ten minutes. They were such complete opposites in some regards, Shoon thought. Yet another reason why what he dreamed of would never be.

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Some people in the jimusho thought Shoon was an arrogant person because he didn’t talk much to anyone, but Yabu wouldn’t call that arrogance. He was shy, shyer than most people thought, and very reserved, but not arrogant. Actually he was really modest about everything he did and even though he was proud of his acrobatic skills he was not a show-off.

Sure he was quiet, but it was something that was in his nature. And Yabu felt so much at ease when he was with him... With most people he was in tension all the time, trying to be witty, to live up to his idol image, but with Shoon he could be just himself. He irradiated a kind of interior peace that made him feel at peace too.

Besides, he’d rather spend an hour in his company than in the company of a chatterbox like Kusano, who talked nonstop, which got kind of annoying after a while.

Well, he himself didn’t talk nineteen to a dozen like Kusano “the human drill”, but he was kind of hyper most of the time, he admitted to himself looking down at his shoes. Perhaps Shoon found him as insufferable as he found Kusano, only he’d never say so because he was too polite.

He hoped that was not the case though, because he valued Shoon’s friendship and he liked to think it was not a one-way thing. Sometimes however he had the feeling that Shoon was somewhat aloof with him, and much as he’d pondered over it he’d been unable to imagine why. He didn’t seem aloof with Taiyô or Hikaru...

“How are you liking university so far?”, Shoon asked suddenly, breaking the silence.

It was his first year, and Yabu was starting to realize that it was a whole world apart from highschool.

“I guess it will still take me a while to get used to it”, he answered tilting his head. “I’m meeting new people, but I miss my old classmates”, he added uncomfortably, looking down at the platform’s pavement. “It’s kind of lonely”.

Shoon winced guiltily. Yabu felt lonely and he’d been avoiding him every morning.

“And you’re expected to do most of the work on your own”, continued Yabu. “The teachers hardly guide you as they did at highschool”.

“Well, I actually like that”, said Shoon. “It gives you the chance to be more independent, to do things your way”.

Yabu smiled, as if amused by something. It was an infectious smile, and soon Shoon found himself smiling too.

“What?”, he asked laughing.

“Nothing”, replied Yabu shrugging, “it’s just that... well, that’s just like you”.

Shoon scratched his head, still smiling.

“Yeah, well, I guess I’m a lone wolf, ain’t I?”

“Not a lone wolf”, said Yabu in a reproachful tone, tilting his head again. “I think it takes a lot of courage to do things by yourself”.

“Or stubborness”, pointed out Shoon, giving him a half smile and arching an eyebrow. “There’s nothing to be ashamed of in asking for help when you need it, but I’ve always been kind of obsessed with achieving everything on my own. Asking for help is more intelligent; it saves you a lot of time and effort”.

Yabu had never expected to get such confessions from Shoon; much less to ever have a serious conversation with him. Before that day they’d only talked of trivialities, in fact.

Many times he’d wanted to ask him about the work projects he’d taken part in outside Ya-Ya-yah, like the West Side Story musical, the Satomi Hakkenden drama, or that thriller he’d filmed last spring, but he hadn’t. Shoon didn’t talk much about himself, and for some silly reason he’d felt it would have been like prying.

The train made its entrance in the station at that moment.

“Way to go”, said Shoon standing and hanging his backpack on his shoulder.

The train had just stopped and the doors had opened when a girl and a boy leaned out of the doors of one of the last wagons and waved in their direction.

“Yabu-kun! Over here!”, the boy called.

Yabu waved back and turned to Shoon as he started running towards the end of the train.

“Come, Shoon! Those are my classmates!”.

Shoon frowned slightly but followed and soon they were sitting inside the wagon in front of the boy and the girl.

“We saw you when the train was coming into the station”, the girl explained to Yabu.

Yabu was still breathing heavily from the run, but he made the introductions:

“Shoon, these are my classmates, Inoue Sana and Takahashi Ichirô. Guys, this is my friend, Yamashita Shoon”.

The three of them bowed in salute and there was a chorus of “hajimemashite”. Sana had long hair and was quite pretty, while Ichirô was chubby and wore glasses.

They remained silent as the train started moving, but a couple of seconds later, as if she couldn’t hold it back anymore, Sana said to Shoon:

“I saw you in Satomi Hakkenden; I think you were great”.

Shoon smiled shyly and bowed his head slightly.

“I only had a minor role, but thank you”.

“That was that historical drama starring Takizawa Hideaki, wasn’t it?”, asked Ichirô.

Shoon nodded.

“Yes, but it’s almost four years now since we filmed it”, he said dismissively, as if he was uncomfortable being the centre of the conversation.

Yabu, however, wanted to make him suffer some more.

“I never got to see the special episode”, he commented evilly, even though he had.

“My sister’s got the whole series in DVD”, Sana told him. “If you want I can ask her if she wouldn’t mind lending it to you”, she offered, “...which I’m sure she wouldn’t if you got Yamashita-kun to sign an autograph for her”, she added cheekily with a toothy smile directed at Shoon. “She’s a huge fan of you”.

Yabu was enjoying very much seeing Shoon so embarrased. He looked as if he’d rather be anywhere else in that moment.

“I think I can manage that”, Yabu replied, “...and I’ll invite Shoon over to watch it together. He hates watching himself”, he added, smiling wickedly.

“I do”, Shoon admitted, “...and I’ll never forgive you if you do that to me”, he said casting him a murderous glance.

Sana and Ichirô laughed.

“Do you attend H_____ University too then?”, asked the boy.

“Yes, I’m in my second year of Archaeology”, replied Shoon.

“Archaeology!”, repeated Sana impressed. “That must be fascinating”.

“It is”, Shoon answered nodding.

“Now is when you are expected to say “so must Economics””, Yabu prodded him in the same playful manner as before.

Shoon pursed his lips and looked at him with half-closed eyes.

“I’m sure it is fascinating”, he replied.

Yabu laughed heartily. He’d never thought it would be so much fun annoying Shoon.

“He actually thinks Economics is a real bore, but being the polite guy he is he’ll never tell you so”, he confided to Sana and Ichirô.

“I don’t think it’s a bore”, Shoon retorted with a slight frown. “It seems boring to me, but that’s not the same”.

“Well, I think it’s a bore alright”, interjected Ichirô laughing, “but I couldn’t very well tell my father that. He’s a banker, my two uncles are bankers, my grandfather was a banker, my greatgrandfather was a banker... so of course I’ll have to be a banker too”, he added shrugging.

Sana patted his shoulder sympathetically.

“I’d rather be studying Literature, but I thought Economics would provide more job opportunities”, she said.

“I can’t believe it!”, said Yabu with feigned indignation, crossing his arms. “Am I the only one who finds Economics fascinating?”.

The other three broke out laughing.

“YES!” they replied in unison, and Yabu joined in the laughter.

The rest of the journey went by pleasantly enough, but too soon Shoon went back to his quiet self and didn’t take a very active part in the conversation anymore. Yabu regretted that change in his mood but he didn’t try to push him.

He’d noticed that when he was with people he was not well acquainted with he usually went into his shell. Which was a pity, he thought, because he could be really agreeable just by making a little effort.

After they got off at the campus Shoon and Yabu stopped where the path branched in two to say goodbye. Sana and Ichirô were a few steps behind because they’d lagged to check in a textbook something they’d been discussing on the train, so to his great satisfaction Shoon was left a few minutes alone with Yabu.

“Will you be meeting with them tomorrow too?”, he asked.

Yabu shook his head.

“We have quite a few assignments for other subjects, so we hope to have the draft for the workshop finished in a couple of hours”.

That was not a very definite answer, but then his question had not been as straightforward as it should have been. Shoon shuffled his feet uncomfortably and cleared his throat.

“No, I meant... Do you usually come together on the train?”.

Yabu frowned slightly.

“Er... no. We only have a few classes together so we have different schedules”, he replied.

Shoon’s heart quivered. It would be pure torture to make the journey on the train with him every morning, but he’d felt awful when Yabu had said that he felt lonely. Here goes nothing, he thought breathing deeply.

“Then, perhaps... perhaps you and I could meet tomorrow at the station?”, he said timidly.

Yabu blinked.

“I thought you said you’d started to come earlier to make a clean copy of your notes in the library”.

Shoon swallowed.

“I can do that at home”, he replied with a shrug. “I really dislike the train, and time goes by more quickly when you have company”.

When you are in good company, he corrected himself inwardly.

A smile appeared on Yabu’s lips making Shoon’s heart somersault.

“Yes, it does”, he said. “Well, see you tomorrow then”.

Shoon smiled too and nodded.

“Bye, guys”, he said lifting a hand in the direction of Sana and Ichirô, who were approaching them; “pleased to meet you”.

“Bye”, Ichirô answered back, and Sana waved. “See you around”.

And still smiling Shoon walked off towards the library building. Somehow the sun seemed suddenly a little brighter to him.

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